Clever Grooming Hacks For Blokes With Fat Heads

A balancing act for no-joke noggins.

Like the humans attached to them, heads come in all colours, shapes, and sizes. Some are long and lean, some skew more towards soccer ball. Some have strong chins and Greek god jaws, others have barely any chin to speak of (or one too many).

The key to any good grooming routine is to accentuate your best features while hiding any flaws. For the fat heads of the world, that means balancing a comically oversized cranium to create the illusion of a normal noodle.

These grooming tips for big heads will decrease your dome and bring harmony your features, no shrink ray needed.

For A Big Forehead
Whether you have a receding hairline or a natural fivehead, the easiest way to hide it is to embrace a tinge of fringe. Let a bit of hair flop over your forehead to conceal its extensive real estate. Your haircut should also aim balance your proportions as much as possible. Allow the sides to keep a little length while preventing the top from getting too poofy. Layered cuts and sideswept fringe are classic tricks for camouflaging a hefty dome.

For A Prominent Nose
Yo, Adrien (Brody, that is) – the secret to disguising your snout, and any other strong feature, is to soften it with your grooming style. Avoid super-short haircuts and the tricky centre part. Instead, let your hair keep some length to balance your larger beak and part it to the side to draw attention away from the middle of your face. Any facial hair should follow a similar strategy. A pencil-thin ‘stache looks silly paired with a sizable schnoz, but a fuller mustache or beard style can hold its own.

For A Generous Jaw
The square face is a coveted shape, but that manly jaw can go Cro-Magnon if you aren’t careful. Choose a haircut that softens the angular corners of your head – ideally longer on top and shorter on the sides, with added texture. Avoid heavy fringes that compete with your strong features and style your hair upwards to elongate your face. Facial hair should be shorter on the sides and fuller on the bottom to, again, elongate the face and distract from the sharpness of your jaw. A goatee is the ultimate expression of this.

For A Round Face
Those chubby cheeks that were oh-so-adorable as a toddler are past their prime. A round face – whether natural or the result of excess body fat – can be slimmed and chiselled with the right grooming tricks. Avoid round hairstyles that will make your head look even rounder. Instead look for something tapered with elongated sideburns to create the illusion of a more streamlined face. Light stubble can give the appearance of a more angular jaw, while a goatee or Van Dyke gives the impression of a more pronounced chin. If you brave a beard, don’t let it grow too wide. Ideally you want something shorter on the sides and fuller at the chin to accentuate any length your face has.

For A Double Chin
Some men barely manage one chin, yet your genes blessed you with two. The neckbeard is typically frowned upon – and rightfully so – but if you have a double chin, starting your facial hair lower (one or two fingers above the Adam’s apple) conceals the excess while strengthening your jawline. Alternatively, visit your local cosmetic treatment centre for a shot of Kybella, an injection that dissolves the fat in your double chin so it can be reabsorbed into the body.

For Big Ears
If your ears could give Legolas a run for his money, take a cue from his elven hairstyle too. Larger ears are best masked by longer hairstyles. Stay far away from the buzz, which will make your ears stick out even more, and instead ask your stylist for a few soft layers on the sides of your head that graze over your elephantine appendages. Add texture to increase density, or blow dry to boost volume, to fill out more around the offending area.

This article first appeared on D'Marge